funny dings

This is an email that was sent to me with funny things in it.
The kind of humour used here can be quite amusing! None of these things were written by me. But I thought they were funny and some of them very true. So...
Please enjoy these funny dings!
Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  standing in a garage makes you a car. 

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the  list. 

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak. 

Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 

Ø    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
    
Ø    War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese. 

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then  proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many  is research. 

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it  takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,  but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.   

Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them  fish. 

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that  you don't need it. 

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
  
Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion  stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy. 

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president  and 50 for Miss America ? 

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a  successful man is usually another woman. 

Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute  to skydive twice. 

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas! 

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it  back. 

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a  way that you will look forward to the trip. 

Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home,  even if you wish they were. 

Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to  live with. 

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be  devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot. 

Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go. 
  
Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
  
Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire  Department usually uses water. 

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever  you hit the target. 

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

Ø    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have  no imagination whatsoever. 

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it. 
  
Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Loch ness mystery solved

For hundreds of years people from areas with large lakes claim to have seen large aquatic animals in them.
Never having proof of such creatures have made us doubt their existance totally. Besides who would believe such a thing and still go to the lake in the summer to spend their leisure time?
Often times it´s the classic irregularity in horror films. The believer still insists on going into the lake where the creature could attack him at any time.
I guess the fact that nobody get´s bitten by this creature or these creatures is another sign it doesn´t exist. Unless it was a herbivore for example.
One thing that does hold the huge clubs and organisations for lake monsters together is their sightings and even photos.
There is absolutely no way they can prove those photos as true or false, generally taken from along way away and half submerged there´s just no way of discerning. And this is exactly what the enthusiasts go for most as if lake monsters were some kind of photo art phenomena.
Some videos were also caught of lakes that were generally calm showing obvious signs of disturbance. Some of those were quite interesting clips even to the most austere of sceptics.
One thing for sure is, if people want you to believe something strongly enough they will take extreme measures. For example I bet in some scottish house´s basement near loch ness there is an apparatus that´s used to resemble the lake creature. Beyond being just good fun you can imagine the kind of tourist benefits loch ness and the surrounding lake region have had.
Although the same doesn´t work for all lake districts with an infamous monster.
take Lake Erie and the great lakes of North America for example Some districts depend on tourists attracted by water sports, so inventing stories and taking a rubber half submergable replica of the beast would do more damage than good.
In this case maybe there is something similiar to a lake monster especially in such a sparse region of water.
Here is some pics of fresh water Eels, imagine something like this coming up from the depths!

Looks like a monster!
Could it be Giant eels are to blame for sightings of some lake monster.
they are known to exist in the Great lakes. No doubt they grow to atleast three metres. But could they grow bigger?
According to the facts Eels can grow up to 12 feet long and weigh up to 50 kilograms.
If this is true... Lake monsters already exist! Could you imagine the tens of 1000´s of eels that live around the biggest lakes in the world. You have to admit the probability of one growing big enough to scare tourists seems quite reasonable.
It is certainly much more plausible than some sort of prehistoric reptile.
So next time you´re on holiday near the lakeside remember to throw some food in for the for the giant eel before you go bathing. Make sure it´s meat because they are carnivores. If you still think it is some plesiosaur that survived the mass extinction, thanks for having faith.
And if you don´t believe in that sort of thing, congratulations.

Why people eat dogs?

In asian countries there are lots of people who eat dogs.
Could be for the flavour could be for the texture. People from the west get sick just thinking about it!
Many people would tell you that the reason people eat dogs in Asia is because of poverty.
Today we will dispute that notion with an old folktale.
Going back a millenia or two there was a family living on the border of what is nowadays China and Vietnam.
The families name was Shun Fun Yip. Being politically connected with local war lords they were neither poor nor stupid. Hunting for leisure and not merely for necessity.
Shun fun yip family was the regions most enthusiastic hunting family whose backyard was subtropical jungle full of pigs, deer and yes you guessed it wolves.  And every saturday the men of the family would go out and hunt pigs mainly.
On one very auspicious night the father Shin yuk shun fun yip invited his three daughters to go hunting with his three sons as a birthday present to his eldest daughter. The eldest of the daughters Chung lin tsu was given most of the houses responsibility as the mother would not work. Anyhow Chung lin tsu had been practising with a bow and arrow her brother had given her for her last birthday. By now she was actually a crack shot.
The other two of Shin yuks daughters had no chance though and basically went to follow their brothers and father.
One hundred metres or so into the undergrowth with nothing more than the pale dappled light of a half moon to see. The group seperated, one of the brothers named Zun lo went with the eldest sister Chung lin tsu and her two other sisters. The father and the other brothers ventured further into the Jungle where it was potentially more dangerous especially at night.
Chung lin tsu and Zun lo guided their sisters and slowly made their way to a great clearing in the jungle where they heard rustling.
Zun lo moved slower for he was afraid of alerting the animal. Chung lin tsu was much lighter on her feet and quicker. She moved past Zun lo in the blink of an eye drew her bow and hit the animal in the neck with a thud all so very quick the animal had barely time to shriek! Zun lo couldn´t believe it, his own sister had out hunted him on the first night out.
As he approached the mortally wounded animal Chung lin tsu called to him "Go and find father he and our brothers can help us to carry it home"! Zun lo´s curiosity almost got the better of him but he knew his sister was right. As Chung lin tsu and her sisters arrived at the animal it was dead, and to their shock it was no wild boar but a wolf!!! Chung lin tsu said to her sisters "This could be a bad omen let´s not tell father and Zun lo that it is a wolf, let´s just wrap it in the sacks he gave us and pretend it´s boar"! The sisters looked frightened it was forbidden to lie! And if they were caught they would be punished for months probably, but at the same time they loved their sister more. They were dependant on her and usually all wanted to be like her, so for now her secret was safe.
Meanwhile Shin yuk shun fun yip the father and his sons had caught a small but pretty plump wild boar. As Zun lo came to tell them that Chung lin tsu had also caught one, they all looked up in amazement and started smiling and cheering. It certainly was a night to celebrate, a woman successfully hunting a wild boar was almost unheard of in that region. So the merry hunting party went over to congratulate and help carry Chung lin tsu´s catch.
When the father Shin yuk approached the wolf it was already wrapped up in two or three sacks. Shin yuk thought about opening the sack to see the kill but by now even the half moon was behind the clouds and just being able to see each other was hard enough in the dark. So the brothers carried the wolf between them until they got back home. Chung lin tsu gave nobody a chance to peep into the sack and had the sisters help her. They dragged the wolf and the pig into the kitchen skinned them both and dismembered them for the feast.
Chung lin tsu was really good with herbs and spices and after the meat of the pork and wolf were cooked she made two seperate cauldron broths full of vegetables, herbs and spices.
The family who were now sitting salivating over the feast to come and anticipating the delicacies that Chung lin tsu was so reknown. The two cauldrons were lifted onto the table, after the initial taste testing it was the cauldron containing the wolf that was identified to be the best. The Shun fun yip family fought each other for the last morsel and the last drop. Leaving most of the pork broth untouched.
Shin yuk the father put his thick spoon into the pork broth and suddenly flinched. "What is the meaning of this, I know this is a pork broth because it tastes so familiar but the other meat was not pork???"
Chung lin tsu confessed everything and her sisters began to cry.
The other brothers became enraged getting up and yelling. Zun lo especially mad at been dooped tried to grab at his sister.
Just then Shin yuk the father screamed out "Zun lo this is your fault you accidently hit a wolf with your bow and blamed it on your sister!" Zun lo responded "No i swear it was her that hit it not me!" And the father cried out "wrong answer". In that moment the father Shin yuk drew his sword and cut off his son´s Zun los head.
And everybody went to bed crying. The next day however Shin yuk planned a new hunting excursion, hunting for wolves, or what is commonly known as canine.
So this story apart from carrying many valuable morals, is probably false.
What is true is...
To this day Dog is eaten in China, Vietnam and the Philipines. In many countries in the world people would complain about this.
However if you take some large cities in the world where some dogs live a very grim life because of being abandoned. For example being abandoned by their owners who thought the puppy was cute but then left them in the street after the animal lost it´s charm. Most of these street dogs die horribly from contaminated water or disease. In places where they eat dog these populations of suffering animals don´t exist. So is there a
moral dilemma? Or is eating dogs simply wrong?
Personally I don´t eat real dog meat but I sometimes eat hotdogs which is made from poor quality leftover meats.

CIA files exposed!!!

According to CIA agent- Derren Buzzwild Sewter, the U.S government has used a clever method of making money to boost the defense budget.
Everybody knows the pentagon as the centre of American organised intelligence. Would it shock you to know that one quarter of the pentagon is merely storage space for old comics, sports cards and GI Joe figuirines etc!!?
Yes since the seventies The U.S governments consumer research group witnessed how something as simple as a baseball card could be worth thousands of times more over a ten year period. They applied the same idea to comics which could sometimes be sold for 10´s of thousands of dollars for a rear addition.
So since the seventies 5% of all the top selling comics, sports cards and figuirines have been commisioned from every leading toy and young peoples literature producers/manufacturer across the country.
Where did these products go for storage? Yes the pentagon that´s where they went! One quarter of the sinister looking building is purely for storage of kids and collectors items!
Whenever there was any major defense spending the U.S government would distribute the comics, cards and toys across the nation selling for thousands of times their value. The sale was guaranteed. The rarest of all cards and comics were bought for fortunes then sometimes resold by enthusiasts for double! Indirectly invigourating the economies of the U.S.A that held the most collectors.
The vietnam war was very costly to the U.S.A so they needed to think of some strategy to bankroll their next wars. Part of the end of the offensive in south east asia was funded by 10 year old baseball cards! Buying ordenance for military helicopters, new assault rifles and even restocking napalm supplies.
The first gulf war in the early 90´s was bought and payed for from the sale of 10-15 year old comics, cards and figuirines! Young people and rich collectors were going about their daily lives unawares that their investments in old cards and comics was keeping the war machines active!
George bush junior however couldn´t understand how the whole racket worked and sold comics and cards years before he should have, losing possibly billions in revenue that could have funded all the middle eastern conflicts without crippling the U.S economy! Such a pity he wasn´t very savy as far as buisiness went.
Part of the pentagon that was hit by part of a coordinated aerial terror attack in 2001 didn´t reach the card and comic warehouse section. This didn´t really make a great deal of difference because most of it´s contents had been already sold. By that time alot of cards and comics were being counterfitted. And the popularity of hand held play figuires was also decreasing.
Apart from the new middle eastern wars(Afganhistan and Iraq) Barack Obama the new president had to come up with a new use for the quarter of the pentagon that was empty. Derren Buzzwild Sewter was the man responsible for leaking this information! It´s possible he´s changed his name since the Bush administration.
Derren has said to have bribed his way into hiding in southern troppados a small island off Borneo owned by incredibly violent dwarf Russian druglords.
SPECIAL CAUTION:
If you don´t believe this story well done it´s probably not true.
If you do believe this story, there is a small percentage chance that it is true. Noone can prove that it isn´t, without revealing exactly what is in the pentagon! However there is also a chance that you are gullible, but don´t worry that doesn´t make you a bad person so get out there and continue smiling.

Happy Tom and the wind.

Tommy was a child living in a small town called keithybruceville. down there life was quiet but there was enough of everything to go around so everybody there was pretty happy with their lives. Now tommy would always go down to his local candyshop to get a bag of all sorts of different kind of candies. After months of doing this however he did start getting more fussy and generally had five favourites he always chose.
Those days he went down to his candy shop with a real hunger even though he was really bored with his selection he still went in and ordered the same old stuff. Even the old woman, Gertrude, who worked behind the register would say the same old thing. She´d say "Hello dear, didn´t come into the the sweetest shop in town by accident I trust."
Her greetings however were so repitive that the boys and girls who went there would awkwardly smile then turn their backs. The strangest thing however is sometimes she´d just start laughing for no good reason scaring the children out of the shop.
One day Tommy went down to his sweet shop, he quickly ordered his sweets from gertrude and got out of there. He went round the corner of the shop where he would eat his candy alone. It was shady there and the summer had just arrived there so he didn´t want any of his chocolate sweets melting. The wind would always act strangely there. kids at his school had commented that there was mini tornados there that were powerful enough to knock a person over. Tommy loved stuff like that and always ate his sweets round that shady corner just incase something happened but nothing ever did. Today however was different and when tommy was eating his candies he looked across the street to see a paper bag blowing around, it looked like a rocket ship as it went from the side of the road to the other side of the pavement, suddenly it changed direction and headed straight toward tommy. Tommy was excited and thought to himself wow, its like the bag is alive and coming over to meet me! The bag was moving quite quickly across the sunny street at head height toward tommy who was smiling one of those i wonder what will happen smiles.
The bag entered into the shade just metres from tommy´s face and accelerated quickly making tommy flinch. Just before Tommy had time to dodge, the bag veered off missing tommy´s head by an inch then it hit a wall, just as it went to the ground the wind picked it up again and sent it flying over the sweet shop and far off into the horizon as if it had been turbo propelled and could have gone much faster all along.
Tommy was totally surprised he knew for a fact his friends wouldn´t believe him but he felt kind of wild just from that experience. It wasn´t over though the wind picked up and started creating little whirlwinds round him nothing of force but the three whirlwinds seemed to be moving in unison round Tommy and that spooked him. For a moment Tommy thought about running home as the paper bag thing was already very wierd and he felt even more uneasy now these whirlwinds had formed metres from his legs and getting closer.
Like before the winds accelerated in his direction, in a second he dodged and ducked and never moved so fast in his eight year old life but the whirlwinds took him lifted him into the air and carried him a few metres up in a spinning motion Tommy closed his eyes. Ten seconds after he opened his eyes and he was back on the ground, this time he was shaking. He thought to himself wow the wind just picked me up and put me down without hurting me thats got to be a world record, or a miracle, or something worth writing in the history books. Just as that thought ran through his adrenaline soaked little mind an old man walked by. An old man that always walked by that corner on a saturday. Tommy shouted out to the old man. "Hey sir I was lifted into the air by the wind then it put me back safely on to the ground and I wasn´t hurt what do you think about that?"
The old man replied, "Listen you," "hmm" "Listen boy, eating too much sugar is really bad for your health you get it, my age we never got sweets unless we dried honey in the sun and then we had to fight the wasps for it!"
And tommy butted in "But sir it´s real the wind took me i´m not lying!!!"
The old man just shook his head saying "Used to be called mens comission service back then... ah... hmmmm uuuumm."
The boy just realised that noone would believe him, not even an old man who´d probably seen it all.